The Death of The American Adverb
In a surprise move today, the Environmental Protection Agency placed the aging American Adverb on the endangered species list. EPA officials cited fashion trends as the primary culprit, indicating that the vernacular had killed off even the most useful verb modifiers in favor of the adjective. An adjective wishing to speak anonymous said "Who needs the gratuitous, torpid beasts? We can do good without 'em!"
The ACLU (Adverb's Creative Linguistics Union) Local #296 is vigorous protesting what it considers job discrimination. "They're intentional taking our jobs...damn! There they go again!" said one irate union member wearing an "AUTHORED IN AMERICA" t-shirt. Union officials label egregious and bigoted advertisements like Apple Computer's Think Different as "shoddy non-union labor." The trendy use of adjectives has spread even to Sweden, where the ACLU and Volvo are under contract negotiations. Volvo's use of strike breakers for their new shortened slogan Drive Safe has sent union workers back to the picket lines for a second straight week.
The SPCA (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Adverbs) issued a statement in support of the ACLU, citing increased gang violence against adverbs by young adjective toughs. Adverbs are also being taunted from a safe distance by indirect objects.
Psychology professionals are vociferous calling for adverbs to stop trying to modify, limit, or qualify adjectives, verbs, or other adverbs. One California-based analyst stressed that adverbs should "just let go of their desire to modify the World."
Author's note: not a single adverb was hurt or killed in the production of this column.
[I wrote this way back in 1998 after having seen one too many advertisements using adjectives instead of adverbs.]